Let Me Count the Ways

Dear Claire,

I think all mothers would agree that having children changes your life in so many ways.  You go from seeing movies, hanging out at Starbucks, and having room in your back seat to spending most evenings at home, having to make plans ahead of time and having the back seat of your car filled with car seats, toys, and random crumbs.

But you, my sweet and lovely girl, have changed me in the most wonderful ways, let me explain.

#1. Before you, I thought work was simply what you did during the day.  I thought it was something you got paid for and that you got days off.  Now I know that having kids is real work.  That you don't get a coffee break, that you're on-call 24/7, and that all the motivation is intrinsic.

#2.  Before you, I used to call my students' parents and talk to them like I really knew their kid!  Crazy!  Now I completely recognize that I know a little speck of their child, I know only how they are in my class and it doesn't reflect their whole child at all.  I am, thanks to you, a much gentler teacher now.

#3.  Before you, I used to feel sorry for kids when they were being bullied; now I feel worse for their mothers.  Now that I have you, I can't imagine you being bullied, or picked on, or made to feel small.  I feel like it would break my heart and my heart breaks for all the moms (and dads) who's kids are made to feel this way.

#4. I used to think in a much more 'black and white' way when it came to parenting.  Things used to be either right or wrong, this way or that.  Now I feel like there are grey areas everywhere, and parenting is just a guessing game.

#5. I used to be hard on people.  I used to be more judgemental.  I used to dislike more people.  Now I just feel more love and see the child in everyone and how they came to be the way they are.  You have made me more accepting.

#6.  I used to think mothers were crazy.  Why are you so worried about where your kid goes to daycare?  You're spending how much on your kids activities?  What do you mean your kid won't sleep in past 7am?  Who cares what you kid will or won't eat?  Turns out, they're not so crazy after all.

Love you Claire...I'm sure you've got a lot more Mommy-Makeovering to do, especially in those teen years!
Love Mom

Claire, Our Little Player

Dear Claire,

This weekend you had this conversation with Daddy in the car:

Daddy: "I love you Claire."

Dead Silence

Daddy: "I love you, I love you, I love you Claire."

Dead Silence

Daddy: "Claire?"

Claire: "I heard you Daddy."

HAHAHAHAHA

That's right girl, you're young, keep 'em guessing!

Love Mom

Save A Tree, Not A Boyfriend

Dear Claire,

If you end up anything like me, you're going to have a bleeding heart for people.  You're going to want to help others, you're going to stick your neck out for friends, and you're going to do try to lift people up.

This is (I think anyway) a great way to be.  I like helping people, I like seeing people succeed and I feel best about myself when I'm helping others reach their potential. 

So....I followed my passion and found a job that lets me do this five days a week.

If you want to help people, then help people.  Just make sure your boyfriend (and definitetly not your husband) is not the person who needs to be helped. 

Obviously, we're all humans and we've all got baggage.  But be attracted to someone who can carry at least a few of their own suitcases.

Obviously, when your partner is down or going through a difficult time, you've got to be there for them.  But be attracted to someone who actually wants to solve their problems, overcome their issues, and aim to be a better person.

Because, you can't save people.

You can help people, you can guide people, you can provide opportunities for people.  But you can't save people.

And all that helping, guiding, and providing takes a lot of time and a lot of energy.  Your home should be your soft place, your easy place.  Life, marriage, and mothering will be hard enough on it's own without having to save your husband too.  So my advice, find someone who needs a shoulder to lean on once in a while or an ear to listen, not someone who needs you to be their life preserver.

Love you when you've found your match,
Mom

S.E.X. Part 1

Dear Claire,

I don't know why, but writing this to you is sooo scary!  I realize that right now, you're just a little girl, and the "real" sex talks will come later one.  But..I kind of wonder if I'd be more likely to tell you the truth while you're little and it feels so far away.

There's so much to think and talk and wonder about when it comes to sex, so this is definitely going to be a series of tidbits that hopefully, you'll take pieces of when it comes to the decisions that you make.

Okay, Mom, breathe.

So...you know I love hanging out with the girls right?  I'm always off to "ladies nights" and "book clubs" and really my number one hobby is chatting the night away with my girlfriends.

In all of those hours, and hours, and hours logged, dishing all the dirt, sharing all of our stories and secrets, not one woman has ever said this sentance "the best sex I ever had was in high school".

Just sayin'.

Love you even though you're going to grow up one day.
Mom

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Love At First Sight *sigh*

Dear Claire,

Since I'm your mother, you probably know by now that I'm not really a "romantic" person.  I find some of it so over-the-top that it makes me cringe and feel icky.  It's just not me.

But I do belive, one hundred percent, in love at first sight.

All sorts of people will say "there's no such thing", but they are wrong.

On January 25, 2010, a tiny, naked, precious, baby girl was put onto my chest.  I looked down at her and a flood of one emotion came over me - love.

I didn't know you.  I had never seen you before.  And yet I loved you immediately, I loved you in that moment and in all of the moments since.

Even when I'm tired and impatient.  Even when you've said "Mommy" eighty-three times before nine a.m.  Even when you put your whole hand in your cup of milk causing it to overflow onto the table and then onto the floor.

I still love you.  You are my favourite little girl in the whole world.

And if someone ever tells you "there's no such thing as love at first sight"; just let your heart smile, because you know there is.

Love you forever,
Mom

 

 

 

Bite Your Tongue - And Hard Too!

Dear Claire,

Because you have a pulse this is going to happen to you at some point...listen carefully.

One day, a boy is going to break-up with one of your good friends.

Some boy, who is kinda useless, often annoying, and definitely not reliable is going to end a relationship with your amazing, wonderful friend.

You are going to want to shout "horray" from the rooftops!  Don't.  When your friend tells you what has happened, do not say that you never really liked the boy, that she could do a lot better, and do not list all his terrible qualities.

You will be sooo tempted to do this, but trust me, it's a bad idea.

Why?

Because there's about a 75% chance that they're going to get back together and if they do, your friend is going to know how you really feel about the guy.  Talk about putting strain on a friendship.

Honesty is not always the best policy, especially during a break-up.

So, what should you say to your upset friend?

Just tell her that you love her, that you understand, and that you're here to listen.  Eat ice cream with her, go shopping, listen to her complain about the guy, just be there for her.  Don't worry about him; worry about supporting your friend.

But seriously, don't bash him, because they'll probably be kissing in the school hallway again by the end of the week.

Love you when you're there for a friend,
Mom

Poor Sienna....Jude slept with the Nanny and they still got back together?!?

Everyone is glad these two got back together...I mean who else can you picture Pink with?

This is youth-in-so-called-love-train-wreck at it's best.  It won't last, but I'm not going to be the one to tell Robbie.

Claire - hopefully you have zero idea of who these people are.  If so, the world has been re-stored to it's rightful order.  (But it was really fun while it lasted!)

Even my favourite couple once broke up!  But we all know that was Kate showing him that he needed to hurry up and make her a princess.

The 2012 Olympic Closing Ceremonies proved that, yes, anyone, can get back together. (Especially for the right amount of money)

Just Do It

Dear Claire,

Boys.  Boys are going to consume your thoughts for at least a good ten years straight.  Something tells me that through much of high school you're going to be talking and thinking about boys a lot.

Here's my advice...stop talking about boys and start talking to boys.

That's right.  If you see a guy who you think you would like to get to know better - then go and talk to him.  Don't just stand there and hope he talks to you; make the first move.

Seriously, I wouldn't just let the salesgirl pick out my clothes for me!  I want to take a look around the store and choose what I like too!  The same goes for boys.

Besides, most guys are beyond thrilled if any girl approaches them, so just realize that you're doing the guy a huge favor just by saying "hello".

Here's the trick though...
You have to let the guy think they're making the first real move.  I don't know why, but as we all learned from watching 'The Flinstones', men like to think everything is their own idea.

So...approach the guy, say "hello" and introduce yourself, but then let him make the next move.  Let him offter the drink, let him ask for your phone number, let him suggest a date.

If he doesn't ask you out, no biggie, you only have to find one guy, everyone else is just practice.

Love you brave girl,
Mom


p.s. - I used a special technique with Daddy - talked to his friend first to see if he'd join into the conversation (lol - it worked!)

Don't Date a Doormat

Dear Claire,

At some point in your life, you may get the idea in your head that the perfect boyfriend is one that will do anything and everything for you.

He will buy you exactly what you want.

He will always let you pick the movie to see and the restaurant to eat at.

He will say, exactly what you want to hear, whenever you're upset.

In theory this sounds wonderful; in practice, it's a disaster.

You can't be in a successful relationship with someone who gives into your every whim. 

You will not grow as a couple if you get to win every arguement and things always end in your favor.  And, after some time, you will lose respect for this boyfriend because he has discouraged you from maturing and becomming half of a true partnership.

What you need is someone who will challenge you to become a better person.  Someone who will stand up to your faults and support you in improving them.  Someone who insists that he gets to pick the movie and the restaurant sometimes.

In other words...you need to date someone who has a backbone that is equally strong as your own.

Love you when you're with your equal,
Mom

Don't Shit Where You Eat

Dear Claire,

My apologies honey for the foul language in the title, but hopefully it wakes you up a bit.

Unless you fall into one of these categories:

You're over twenty eight-years old (this is the age when your colleagues might begin to take you seriously).

You've been at this same workplace for three years or more (you've established some credibility).

You only have one year to live (if this is the case, you can do absolutly anything, and no one will say a word).

If none of these apply to you...then trust me...avoid the at-work relationship for now.  There are so many people in the world, why worry about running into an 'ex' each day at the photocopier.

Love ya doll,
Mom

Marry Your Father - Part 1

Dear Claire,

If you decide to get married one day, 'who' you are going to marry is going to be one of the biggest decisions of your life. 

If I could offer you any advice about who you should marry, it is simply: marry your father.

Okay, obviously you're not going to actually marry your father, but seriously, try to find someone like him.

Here are the qualities that your dad has that make him a great husband...

1. He enjoys his job.  This might seem strange if you're reading this when you're fifteen, but trust me, the work week is long and you want to be with someone who is happy during those forty hours each week.  If your husband is miserable all day he'll probably be miserable when he gets home.  So look for a man who found a career he's excited (or at least content in) about.

2. He has a backbone.  At some point you may find yourself attracted to a guy who will let you do whatever you want and always lets you get your way.  This will get old fast. You'll never grow as a person or as a couple if this is the dynamic of your relationship.  Find someone who challenges you to become a better person, wife, and mother - your marriage, and your life, will be much more fulfilling this way.

3. He is responsible (but not boring!). Recklessness and craziness is great when you're young but, probably not the best qualities to look for in a husband.  I can always count on your dad to be there for us.  I know he's not going to make any big decisions without me.  I know he's going to be responsible with our finances, our health and safety, our home, and our children.  He's not going to lose our car in a poker game or forget to pick the kids up from daycare.  A responsible husband will mean you can sleep peacefully at night.

4. He's a great father!  If you want to have children, then make sure the person you marry wants them to.  Make sure they don't just want children so they can play catch or go to movies together.  Make sure they want to do all the things a father should do, even the hard stuff, and especially the 'day-in and day-out' stuff like making meals, giving baths, and changing diapers.  Your dad has gone above and beyond in this category!!!

5. He loves us.  He loves me, he loves you and he loves your brother.  That's what you need to find above all else.  Someone who will love you unconditionally, through the good, the bad and the ugly, just like your father does.

Love to see you with someone who loves you
Mom

The Clean Break

Dear Claire,

Unless you're one of those crazy people who marry the first guy they date, you're probably going to find yourself admist a break-up at some point in your life.

Believe it or not, there are actually some benfits to being part of a break-up.  Mainly that you'll have an instant connection with ninety-nine percent of the population and the perfect excuse (not that one is technically needed) to go out with your girlfriends to either:

a) eat lots of food that is usually only respectable in small amounts
b) drink more than you should
c) sing along to either really sad or really empowering songs
d) all af the above and probably is this order

Anyway, here's one piece of advice for surviving a break-up.

Do not get back together.

I repeat - do not get back together.

That's right, the relationship probably didn't end because it was so fantastic and amazing that you just couldn't stand it and had to be apart. It probably ended because things had been brutal for awhile and one of you finally had the guts to call it quits.

So give yourself six months. Don't communicate for six whole months. If you're really meant to be together you'll find a way back into each other's lives.

But my guess is...you'll move on...and probably on to someone who is a better fit for you.

Love you :)

No Means No

Dear Claire,

If you've already read the post explaining that 'yes means yes', then you've probably guessed that 'no means no'.

Equally important as doing what you say you're going to do, is not doing what you say you won't.

If somebody asks you to do something, and you don't want to do it - say no. 

However, don't say no, and then an hour later "change your mind".  If you do this, than people will never believe you when you say "no".  They will continue to pressure and persuade you, believing that you will eventually change your mind. 

More than anything, you want people to believe you when you say "no".

If you don't know whether you want to do something or not, just say "I don't know, let me think about it for awhile".  The best thing about this phrase is the word "awhile", this could mean thinking about it for an hour, a day, or a year!  You've given yourself all the time you need to make a decision without committing to anything. 

If you use the world "no" a few times with people, and you stand by that answer, than soon enough, as soon as they hear you say "no", they will believe you.  Then you can live your life how you want to, not how others would like you to.

Love you, even when you say "no" to me (which at this point is about forty times a day).

"NO! I will not open my eyes for this picture!"



"No, this is really not my problem."



"No....I won't have these chubby cheeks forever so you better pinch them now!"



"No.  I will wear whatever I want before 8am."

"No, I swear there's nothing in my mouth."



"I don't even have to say "no" and I'll still get my message across."

Yes Means Yes

Dear Claire,

This advice is super easy to say, but not always easy to follow.

It is simply that, yes means yes.

Incorporating this phrase into your values will improve many of your relationships, whether with friends, significant others, people at work, and those in your community.

What does 'yes means yes' mean?

It means that if you say you're going to do something, you're going to do it.

I know you're probably thinking that this seems pretty easy, but for most people, including myself sometimes, it's not.

The trick to being able to live by this rule is this: take time to think about something before agreeing to do it.

Ask yourself: is this something I really want to do?  What if it takes longer than expected, do I want to put in extra time?  Will I find personal fullfillment in this?  Will I enjoy spending time with the other people involved?  Do I have the energy to do this?

Remember, there are very few situations where you have to give a 'yes or no' answer immediately, yet most people feel that this is what they have to do.

Don't.

Take the time to think about something before you agree to it, especially if it's going to be something that may impact you in the long-term.

Obviously there's going to be times when you can't keep a committment, just don't let this become a constant, or people will lose their faith and trust in you.

Love you when you follow through!

One is enough

Dear Claire,

One super annoying thing about being a woman is that people (and by people I mean everyone) will always be asking whether you have a boyfriend.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends you haven't seen lately, friends you saw the day before, pretty much everyone, will always want to know whether you are part of a couple.

This line of questioning will grow worse in your late twenties as people start to nod their heads nervously if your answer is "no".   If you are thirty years old and not engaged, married or dead then you've survived!  People will no longer ask in fear of sending you into a downward sprial of single breakdown.

In the meantime, if you ever get tired of answering whether you're single, have a date for prom, are seeing anyone special, etc.. simply say "Why bring sand to the beach?" and then just smile. 

Love you when you're single girl!

Mom

Ending a Relationship - Tip #1

Dear Claire,

At some point you'll probably be in a relationship that you no longer want to be in.  Ending a relationship is not an easy thing to do, especially if you still care about the person and don't want to hurt them. Here's a tip to ease this process:

Always "blame" yourself for the relationship ending.  For example, "I can no longer be with you because I want to be on my own/need space/want a change".

As soon as you "blame" the other person, you're giving them a chance to say they'll change.  Even if you're ending the relationship because the guy's a jerk, boring, cheating, or all of the above, still blame it on yourself.  You'll know the real reason for ending the relationship and he won't have the opportunity to try and convince you that he will change.

Nothing is worse than listening to someone desperately explain all the ways they're going to change so that you can stay together.  Avoid this conversation at all costs.

Love Mom